1/10 Good days

I have a 1/10 good days!

The bad days:

I oversleep, I undersleep, I get sick, I get bloated, I am waiting for money in my bank account, I have to go to the doctor for the second time in a week, I am withdrawing some med that was keeping me sane, I’m bitter, I’m sensitive to noise, I can’t focus at all, I need to workout, I am too socially anxious to go into my living room and run into my rommies, I feel lonely, I hate my hair, I hate my body, I don’t have food in the fridge, I don’t know where I’m going, I don’t feel like doing anything, I feel old, I feel resented, I can’t date, I am easily distracted.

The good days:

I have lust for life, I have energy, I enjoy doing things, I know where I am going, I am sociable, I have hope, I feel FINE, I feel hot, I feel beautiful, I can see what makes me special and unique, I want to show everyone that I’m not always miserable, I workout.

3:40 AM

HI! Just got home from 4 exhausting hours in the pursue of validation.

You know when you anticipate and have a set of  reasonable expectations and they’re not even remotely met?? YEEP. I’m not very picky when it comes to men but I do absolutely need someone bigger/taller than me (just a bit). I’m 5’2 so it’s not like I’m asking for miracles, someone with a non-stinky-breath, someone with a higher pitch voice than mine!

I try my hardest to reject someone in a way that they don’t feel like they’re being rejected and spent most of my time on the date trying to figure out how to do so. I liked him as a person, he was very easy going, but I felt absolutely nothing in terms of attraction, not saying he wasn’t hot he just wasn’t my type so I DID NOT SLEEP WITH HIM ON THE FIRST DATE! YAY, someone that turns me off so much that my slutty self it’s forced to take it easy. The worst thing is that a lot of the guys that have rejected me have probably felt this way. 😦 :S

On the other hand there’s was this guy that has been hitting on me for a while and as soon as I left the date I just went over to his place to see if he made me feel something, It didn’t do much for me so 30 minutes into “La Femme Nikita” and chill, I decided to rush home, it’s like -30 outside so I had to sprint here, and so I’m here now, halfway drunk embarrassed of my dumb self about to pass out on my bed.

I think I lost my hope on Tinder and just guys in general………..(What am I supposed to use to mask my misery then?)

Advice?

I might like you better If we slept together

Today it’s my date with Tinder dud. I always tell myself I won’t sleep w the boy on the first date but after a couple of beers, I change my mind and I’m like: “whatever! YOLO! CARPE DIEM! oh what the heck! Look at me being progressive!”
The funny thing is, sometimes I say to myself: “He’s not even your type that much so if he stops paying attention to you after sleeping with you, you wont care!” or “I don’t know if I want to date him long term so might as well get something out of this” or “I don’t want this night to end because I really like him” or “I AM WAY TOO ATTRACTED TO YOU AND CAN’T HELP MYSELF” or “I want to cuddle with him so much and feel lonely af I’ll do whatever it takes to get human contact”. As you can see there’s about 90% of chances I’ll sleep with him on the first date. Obviously well protected……

wish me LUCK

BB LOVE YOURSELF

I decided to give a note to myself that I should stop looking for boy validation and just try to do things that make me feel fulfilled and complete. I need to keep working out, dancing? and maybe figuring out what I want from life.. The thing is nothing appeals enough to me to devote whole fuckin life to it. This is it for me. It’s now or never, I need to find that thing that’s going to set my future.
I just don’t care about most things. (I’m still going on a date tomorrow and it’s gonna be fun)

Young, beautiful and healthy?!

This is a selfie from when I visited my aunt and uncle in Halifax , super zen house, I was detoxing from Xanax,Effexor and Zolpidem so I didn’t get to enjoy as much as I should’ve. It’s crazy when you’re young & naive (I’d say under 18), enjoying just comes natural, you either like it or not. There are not a series of traumas attached to everything you can possibly do.
This song reminds me of the fact that once I wasn’t a scarred, traumatized, fearful little human. One of the things that really have stopped me from living is guilt, feeling like I’m dirty. I don’t want to feel this way but I don’t know how to get rid of it.

When I left my last job, an older co-worker told me something I can’t forget : “Ana, just remember one thing: You’re beautiful, young and healthy. ” It’s crazy because I feel worn out, sick and everyday I have to remind myself why I’m beautiful and I’m very skeptical about that statement.

Self envolved enough to think you’d care

Hi! My name is Ana,  I don’t know why it matters where I live or where I come from because I feel like I’m nowhere right now. But I will tell you I’m a south American living in Canada.
So today I decided to start a blog because I can’t get myself to do absolutely anything else. I’ve been trying to figure out if wether sick, depressed, an addict, socially handicapped ??
I just find it extremely hard to leave my house lately.  (It has happened before when I was addicted to oxy but that’s self-explanatory)
I work out in my room while listening to songs like this one, this song really makes me feel like I’ve never been depressed in my life.
Anyways, I took a shower, had some soup and got myself to go out by tricking my puppy appetite to get a snack. I have 2.66$ in my bank account so it can only be ONE hehe.
I came back and this rut feeling still in my room, so I’m turning to writing in order to maybe overcome my misery.

I just got a message from a Tinder guy and we planned to meet up tomorrow somewhere around his neighbourhood. Of course he doesn’t know he’s about to meet an emotionally lavish girl, but I can’t tell him that can’t I?  Also he’s probably got some issues too, he looks really skinny and he’s always incredibly busy and stressed out and he smokes pot to sleep. I think we’ll get along though, I’m crossing fingers that there will be physical attraction.
So here are reasons why I date even when depressed:
1-It gives me an excuse to drink
2-I get to see a completely different outlook on life hoping it will change mine.
3-I guess I like flirting (or just felling desired at all).
4-I like starting from scratch, I can’t do that with people who already know me.
5-I like the distraction.

I can’t wait to give an update on this! In the meantime here’s a picture of me trying to feel pretty.  Also listen to this super poppy song it’s fun! (At this point you’d probably think I’m selfish because I’m dating to satisfy personal needs, and yeah maybe you’re right but honestly, don’t we all? I’m trying to live BS free because being selfless throughout my life has got me EXHAUSTED, also people take way too much advantage of it without giving anything in return.)