DON’T PRETEND

I KNOW YOU LIKE HER STILL  I KNOW IM TEMPORARY I KNOW I COULD NEVER BE YOUR IDEAL GIRL I KNOW YOURE FULL OF SHIT I KNOW YOURE NOT GOOD FOR ME NO ONE IS I KNOW YOU DEEP DOWN JUST WANT TO HOOK UP W YOUR FUCKING GROUPIES WHEN YOU GO ON TOUR I KNOW YOU SAY YOU WANT TO BE WITH ME BUT WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING MESSAGING YOUR EX IF SO EVERYONE IS SO FULL OF SHIT I WANT OUT IM NOT CHILL I KNOW I WILL REGRET THIS AND I JUST CANT HELP MYSELF

ALONE

you know why my depression is unbearable because it pushes people away when i need them the most my constant need to please people makes me pretend I’m ok in order to not be a drag or put weight on everyone, everyone likes me when I’m happy but no one is there when I’m feeling like shit and i don’t know if I want them. YES I have my family I could call them but i’ve spent so much time on my own that it’s so hard to contact them when I’m low, it makes me feel disgusting and I end up lonely and I end up like the girl who was too much.

I’m so sick of living like this, my mom is alive and i dwell for her everyday, i dwell for my country, I dwell for what I could’ve been. I can’t look at my bank account, I can’t make the calls. 

I need help and I don’t know where to find it.

I wish I could get high right now just to get through the night without hurting myself.

F the apps

If that one person I care about doesn’t like me back I relapse.

I always end up in dating apps looking for someone. People that know me keep telling me they don’t understand why I even need to, like I’m supposed to have a bunch of people already waiting to date me. I don’t feel that way and every time I do like someone they reject me. (I don’t know if it’s partially my fault because I act crazy if they don’t pay attention to me at some point) I’m so emotionally exhausted from dating can someone tell me how to deal with rejection?

Getting ready for rejection

I know I shouldn’t be drinking but I have and last night I got ready to see someone I like and drunk texted him, this morning It’s confirmed, we wont be hanging out romantically anymore. I just sped up the process of rejection by being a drunk loser. I was doing so well I have to go back…

I’m borderline

Hi, I thought I “CURED” myself from depression but I had a relapse this monday and spent 3 days at the hospital.
I have bordeline personality disorder and that explains my messy unstable emotional life.
My next step It’s to find ways to cope with it but I keep on swimming and eating healthy..
Rejection kills me tho… and I am currently feeling rejected.

IM FINE GUYS

Proud af

I’m currently babysitting which I don’t even know if It’s a fair term since these kids are basically taking care of themselves (They’re 10 and 8), I guess I am still pretty good, I made them dumplings and edamames for dinner and they loved it I actually had to make more. I gotta put them to bed in half an hour. I’m pretty exhausted but really happy I decided to do this, got me out of the house, gives me some structure and It’s a source of income.

I’ve been dating someone, his name is Tobias, he’s awesome, he’s cute, he’s cuddly, he’s funny, he makes me laugh and he wants to hang out as much as I do. The only “but” it’s that he’s 3 years younger than me. I think he’s exactly what I needed right now. I’m so excited about this, I can’t even look at the negative stuff. He makes me want to better myself.

I’ve been going out and socializing more (sober) , I’ve really had to push myself to do these things but I’m super duper happy after I’ve done them, I’ve been eating healthy, hitting up the sauna after the pool, I’m still taking some Xanax because I was dying with anxiety but damn I really wish I didn’t have to. I have been on and off taking the sleeping medication, It wasn’t helping much anymore, every night I have a headache it sucks but I’m hanging on and I’m bettering myself.

 

 

 

1/10 Good days

I have a 1/10 good days!

The bad days:

I oversleep, I undersleep, I get sick, I get bloated, I am waiting for money in my bank account, I have to go to the doctor for the second time in a week, I am withdrawing some med that was keeping me sane, I’m bitter, I’m sensitive to noise, I can’t focus at all, I need to workout, I am too socially anxious to go into my living room and run into my rommies, I feel lonely, I hate my hair, I hate my body, I don’t have food in the fridge, I don’t know where I’m going, I don’t feel like doing anything, I feel old, I feel resented, I can’t date, I am easily distracted.

The good days:

I have lust for life, I have energy, I enjoy doing things, I know where I am going, I am sociable, I have hope, I feel FINE, I feel hot, I feel beautiful, I can see what makes me special and unique, I want to show everyone that I’m not always miserable, I workout.

3:40 AM

HI! Just got home from 4 exhausting hours in the pursue of validation.

You know when you anticipate and have a set of  reasonable expectations and they’re not even remotely met?? YEEP. I’m not very picky when it comes to men but I do absolutely need someone bigger/taller than me (just a bit). I’m 5’2 so it’s not like I’m asking for miracles, someone with a non-stinky-breath, someone with a higher pitch voice than mine!

I try my hardest to reject someone in a way that they don’t feel like they’re being rejected and spent most of my time on the date trying to figure out how to do so. I liked him as a person, he was very easy going, but I felt absolutely nothing in terms of attraction, not saying he wasn’t hot he just wasn’t my type so I DID NOT SLEEP WITH HIM ON THE FIRST DATE! YAY, someone that turns me off so much that my slutty self it’s forced to take it easy. The worst thing is that a lot of the guys that have rejected me have probably felt this way. 😦 :S

On the other hand there’s was this guy that has been hitting on me for a while and as soon as I left the date I just went over to his place to see if he made me feel something, It didn’t do much for me so 30 minutes into “La Femme Nikita” and chill, I decided to rush home, it’s like -30 outside so I had to sprint here, and so I’m here now, halfway drunk embarrassed of my dumb self about to pass out on my bed.

I think I lost my hope on Tinder and just guys in general………..(What am I supposed to use to mask my misery then?)

Advice?

I might like you better If we slept together

Today it’s my date with Tinder dud. I always tell myself I won’t sleep w the boy on the first date but after a couple of beers, I change my mind and I’m like: “whatever! YOLO! CARPE DIEM! oh what the heck! Look at me being progressive!”
The funny thing is, sometimes I say to myself: “He’s not even your type that much so if he stops paying attention to you after sleeping with you, you wont care!” or “I don’t know if I want to date him long term so might as well get something out of this” or “I don’t want this night to end because I really like him” or “I AM WAY TOO ATTRACTED TO YOU AND CAN’T HELP MYSELF” or “I want to cuddle with him so much and feel lonely af I’ll do whatever it takes to get human contact”. As you can see there’s about 90% of chances I’ll sleep with him on the first date. Obviously well protected……

wish me LUCK